All of my life

Happy Boxing Day. Not that there’s much sales in the States anyway. I still managed to go to the North outlet tho, and I can confidently say that the sales are not as good as Black Friday.

Went home and bought groceries. Slept till 8 and woke up to a very peculiar dream again. Now its a non malay guy. We were most probably at a spa in Bali. Weird.

I made Tuna Taco with spring mix, tomatoes and pepperoncini. Deliciouso!! I should really consider opening up a cafe (or a food truck!)

Missing my mother.

Mami buat apa sana? Mami apa khabar kat sana? Mami ingat kitorg tak? Mami tgh tido ke? Mami happy ke kat sana?…Mami adik rindu… Mami tau tak?..Mami dengar tak?…Mami adik cakap kat diorg sini dah sejuk.. takde siapa dengar adik.. Mami td adik beli baju sejuk.. Mami rasa ok ke?… Mami adik rindu…Adik rindu sangat…

Its so hard to go on without you mom…


Uncharted territories.

You Sir,

You’re simply pathetic.

Someone who asked me to marry him, had the nerve to say that I’m pathetic for liking #LBoi. When I told my advisor this, she responded by saying, “oh well tell this to your suitor- people will say its pathetic for me to marry someone like you”. Oh yes. That’s my advisor for you ­čÖé

I can’t marry you. We want different things in life. And even if I did. It will just be out of convenience. Not out of love. I don’t want to be miserable for the rest of my life, having to spend it with you. I’d rather be a cat lady. *meow*

We don’t share common values.

You’re too emotional for your age (and also gender). I don’t want to deal with that. I’m tired of emotional rollercoasters. I just want to settle down with someone who is calm and composed and makes me smile. No more dramas.

Instead of taking it like a gentlemen, once again, he swung to the extreme. I just had to burn that bridge. Tough luck. It is what it is. Let’s just hope I don’t need to see your face again in the future. You’re too much. But I hope you’ll find a decent girl for you to marry.

It is never my loss.

Trust me when I say that we’re not meant for each other.

My demons just won’t play well with yours.

And please. NEVER butt in my business with my exes. That’s the lowest of low. My ex was at my mother’s funeral and where were you? So don’t. He might not be as bright as you are, but he has a heart of gold.

And about #LBoi. DON’T. HE’S OFF LIMITS. He is simply better than you in soooo many ways. So please stop embarrassing yourself by making stupid remarks about someone you barely know. You know nothing about our me + #LBoi. It would be wise for you to just zip it.

You were a friend. Just a friend. and now we’re strangers with memories again. ┬áLet’s hope it stays that way forever.

Dance of a dream

I had a super weird dream last night. Super weird.

I dreamt about a stranger. I’ve never met this guy, really, never. And he is far from those typical guys that I’ve always find attractive. He’s not old. Yes, I like older men. MEN. not boys.

Well, if you’re old and still act like a boy, then you should go hang yourself.

So I can’t really remember how we met. Through a friend I think. And I think he is a lawyer by profession. But a true artist by heart. We’d sit and talk for hours. He’d write poems, and attend literary book clubs.┬áHe was very simple. But very interesting, and the feeling of meeting someone new again got me really excited.

I went to bed while talking to Dian. About how cold it was in Vegas.

So where did that dream came from? I guess I will never know. Who is he? Honestly, I have never met him. I saw his face in that dream. Clearly. Very boyish. Which is weird, cause I never liked boyish looking guys. Not my type. Does not turn me on.

Super weird. But I hope I’ll see him in my dreams again. Soon.

Viva Las Vegas

Las Vegas has taught me a lot of things.

I learn how to live on my own. Pay my rent. Pay my credit cards (yes, cards). Set up and pay my own utility bills. Cook. Find Halal meat. Shop. Bought my first car. Do regular maintenance for my car (which has always been done by my dad back home). Register my car. Get a social security number. Get a state ID. Pay my taxes and the list goes on.

It wasn’t easy. I came here with no credit history. No social security number whatsoever.

Which reminds me – I have to get my work permit from the OISS tomorrow.

Sent my suits to the dry cleaners. Get a smog check for my car and renewed my license registration. And in March I will have to renew my car insurance. Which will cost another $700. Not to mention the stupid rental hike of almost $120 by my stupid apartment complex. And to add icing on the cake, I have yet to receive my monthly allowance from UiTM. ­čśŽ

I will always have a love-hate relationship with this city. The city that I seemed to have gotten used to. Ah well. It is what it is.

So much to do. So little time.

Yet I still find time to think of you. ­čÖé

The underwater dance party

Cold, crisp, refreshing taste, millions of tiny bubble racing through your mouth.

That kind of look in your eyes as if no one knows anything but us.

“Eh macam kenal je!”

Cheeky. I like that.

Why there? Just because I’ve been there with him before.

Meeting you there would erase those stupid prior memories.

“Can you meet me halfway?”. Now I know you could, most importantly you would.

On another note.

Professor H said came away impressed with my Hilton Grant model.

“Did you know some of the candidates that came here for an interview didn’t even have a model as good as this model here. You have a good piece here”

Thank you. But really. I’m just glad that I’m done with that class.

Now all I need to do is summarize the research purpose and send it over to Jeff for data collection. Qualtrics quoted me $13.22 per completed questionnaire. Read articles for the project with Sarah. And read other articles for the project with Jimmy. 3 Research project – did I just bitten off more than I could chew? I hope not. Let’s hope not.

Neverending story.

Please, make my days better –┬á“Take me into your loving arms”

Las Vegas is getting colder by day.

Gloomy & chilly – just the way I like it. Pretty much reflects the way I’m feeling inside.

Dan Janjiku Hanya Kepadamu

Empty promises.

As expected. As usual. Its not that I didn’t know that he actually went out with someone last night. I knew. I am just too tired to argue or say anything about it. Just whatever. Do whatever you want. I stopped caring a long time ago.

If only things are easier. but they’re not.

If only mom is still alive. but she’s not.

If only things would for once go my way. but it never will.

Fuck it. I refuse to care anymore.

Yes, ever since my mother’s passing, I have been thinking about staying here. Away from it all. Away from all the pain. Often times I wonder when will all this end. Why can’t it be me instead of her. Its not that I have anything to look forward to in this life anymore. Everything seems empty. Future seems vague.

I even wonder will it ever be possible for me to be happy again.

Things would be so much easier if hearts could speak. but they can’t.

And you, my dear TJ, will never know. Maybe it’s better this way. Maybe baby.

Under the covers

Its 1130pm. Las Vegas time. Almost winter. Listening to Ed Sheeran.

Meeting tomorrow at 10am with Sarah. Which simply means I have to think about the new research project that we will work on. Yes, it is a neverending story. The work never stops. Well, sometimes I’m glad it doesn’t. It helps me not to think about trivial stuffs.

I still think about her. All the time. It is still hard. I am sorry if I’m a disappointment. The fact that I’ve lost the one true person who will love me regardless is just so gut wrenching. I talk less now. I seemed to have lost all purpose of being. And no one, who never lost a mother will understand this. No one.

I still imagine the hospital scene. I still remember the last texts. I still remember my brother’s voice. I still remember everything. So vividly. The sharp pang is still there. As always. I don’t think it will ever go away. I don’t think I will ever move on.

Let’s talk about something else.

Lately, he seems to occupy my mind. I know it is a form of escapism of the mind. A strong escapism that is. My heart will skip a beat whenever there’s new pictures of him on facebook.

*by the way I should go watch Judge – Robert Downey Jr.”

He came all the way after office hours. All the way simply means an hour from his office – my former office. Thank you. I really appreciate that. We managed to settle our long overdue promises. Why him?

Because he is adorable. He makes me smile like a small kid. ­čÖé and smiling is something that’s really hard for me to do nowadays. Why are we separated by 15 thousand kilometres across the ocean? I don’t really know. Although I would understand that it would probably suck worse if we’re so close to each other and separated by our own egos.

Was there sparks? I don’t know. I can’t really tell. Physically yes. Mentally? Maybe if I weren’t too tipsy. We did had coffee in his hometown. Again, he came despite not having his own car. A very very simple man. Very very impressive on paper. But its his┬ábrokenness that makes him extra attractive. To me.

Broken. From one broken soul to another. I can relate.

Will fate cross our paths again? Highly unlikely.

I miss you. With all my heart and soul. I am just tired.

My heart is tired. Heal me. Mend me.

Que sera sera…

“Should you be the last thing that I see…

I want you to know it’s enough for me

Who that you are is all I ever need”

I wish the times we had together could be frozen in time. It’s the only thing that makes me feel so alive nowadays.