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Constantly.

con·stant·ly
ˈkänst(ə)n(t)lē/
adverb
  1. continuously over a period of time; always.
    “the world is constantly changing”
    synonyms: always, all the time, continually, continuously,persistently

All day I’m walking in a dream
I think about you constantly
Just like an ever flowing stream
Your memory haunts me constantly

Shadows fall and I try to drive you from my mind
So you’re no longer near to me
But my heart sees you there with me
Every sunset you share with me

The rain that patters through the trees reminds
Me of you constantly
Your name is whispered by the breeze and love birds
Bring your song to me

Just as sure as the stars keep burning
In the sky your love will stay a flame in me
A flame that burns so bright
Not only through the night
But constantly

Just as sure as each star keeps burning
In the sky your love will stay a flame in me
A flame that burns so bright
Not only through the night
But constantly

Though we may be far apart
You’re constantly deep in my heart

Of scars and such

“Show me your scars…”

“…Why?..” he asks

“It’ll serve as a reminder for me to love you more, making up for the lost times when I wasn’t there to help you heal”..

“But.. you might feel disgusted..” he gently protested

“I know you’ve been badly hurt before.. and sometimes those old wounds still stings..and how the hell do I know that?..Because, like you.. I am broken too..”

Square one.

And all in a sudden you learn to realize that it is indeed over.

You then realize that it was never there to begin with.

And all the promises you made to yourself come flashing in front of your very own eyes.

And you remembered that it was never yours from the start.

You realize that the time has finally come for you to to break free.

No longer bounded by invisible balls and chains.

Isn’t it something that you’ve been waiting for all these while?

But why do I feel congested…

The 5 o’clock shadow

Its 6.29pm and I am still at the office.

I had udon for lunch.

I am thinking about what to cook for dinner.

I have 4 meetings on Thursday.

I have a workshop on Friday.

There’s a snowstorm in the east coast.

I miss my Tajuddin and his 5 o’clock shadow.

I miss home.

I miss my best friends.

My brain is fried.

I have to finish some readings before going home to finish more readings (Oh what FUN!)

I’ve emailed my progress reports.

Dewi hasn’t responded to my mails.

I am hungry.

I need to get a drink.

ICE COLD REFRESHING DRINK.

I’ll be

A week has passed since the new semester started. New students, fresh new faces. I am starting to get the hang of it – teaching. Teaching was one of the reason why I wanted to be a professor in my alma mater.

I still remember when I scheduled an appointment to meet Dewi on a Saturday. She was teaching research methods at that time, and I didn’t know that she changed office, so I was basically running around the faculty, panicking, trying to find her office. I still remember that she was eating Kuih Ketayap for breakfast and Encik Nizam was also there. I told her, that I want to change my mode from masters by coursework to masters by research, and I want her to be my advisor.

“Nadia, why do you want to do a masters degree?”

“Because I want to teach”

Simple. Straightforward. Because I want to teach.

When I started teaching, I hated it. My life was haywire at that point of time. We just found out that my mom has cancer. I had to go back in the middle of the semester. My mind was always at home. I talked to my mom daily. I will always tell her that I hated the states. I hated the classes, I hated teaching. And that I only teach because of the money. I tell her everything. Even all those little trips to Walmart.

Mom was an instructor too. For government servants. She will always spend weeks on her lecture materials. I still remember everything. When I told Pa I wanted to be a lecturer, he said lecturing is a tedious job. “Look at your mom spending hours and hours preparing for her lectures”.

I have always been on the forefront of operations. I loved it. But I notice that as I grew older, I can no longer tolerate it. I loved being in the office, but the process was so slow, I seldom see the outcome of my work. I loved teaching. It is satisfying. I love being immersed in research. Which is why I think, being an educator is what I am set out to do.

The thing is, I am getting used to this city. To the culture. And I don’t know if I should go home or stay here. For good. I kept thinking about my family. My best friends. The food. But if I go home, I will never be able to come back to the states. The opportunities are greater here, we have bigger spending power. I will have nicer cars, nicer house. I will be able to buy nicer stuffs. They appreciate me more. There are a lot of fundings.

It was easy a back then. Mom was always waiting for me. I should just finish everything in three years and go back home. Home is where your mom is. Now mom is no longer there – where’s my home? It was easy when I was still in love with him. All I know that I need to finish as soon as possible and get back home to his loving arms. But things changed, people change.

I don’t know. I no longer know what I want after my mom passed away. It seems as if I am drifting away in this huge lonely world. All by myself.

“Why did you came back? Didn’t you like the states?”

“It is better for my religion.”

That was Dewi’s answer.

As for me? I am still clueless.