I’ll be

A week has passed since the new semester started. New students, fresh new faces. I am starting to get the hang of it – teaching. Teaching was one of the reason why I wanted to be a professor in my alma mater.

I still remember when I scheduled an appointment to meet Dewi on a Saturday. She was teaching research methods at that time, and I didn’t know that she changed office, so I was basically running around the faculty, panicking, trying to find her office. I still remember that she was eating Kuih Ketayap for breakfast and Encik Nizam was also there. I told her, that I want to change my mode from masters by coursework to masters by research, and I want her to be my advisor.

“Nadia, why do you want to do a masters degree?”

“Because I want to teach”

Simple. Straightforward. Because I want to teach.

When I started teaching, I hated it. My life was haywire at that point of time. We just found out that my mom has cancer. I had to go back in the middle of the semester. My mind was always at home. I talked to my mom daily. I will always tell her that I hated the states. I hated the classes, I hated teaching. And that I only teach because of the money. I tell her everything. Even all those little trips to Walmart.

Mom was an instructor too. For government servants. She will always spend weeks on her lecture materials. I still remember everything. When I told Pa I wanted to be a lecturer, he said lecturing is a tedious job. “Look at your mom spending hours and hours preparing for her lectures”.

I have always been on the forefront of operations. I loved it. But I notice that as I grew older, I can no longer tolerate it. I loved being in the office, but the process was so slow, I seldom see the outcome of my work. I loved teaching. It is satisfying. I love being immersed in research. Which is why I think, being an educator is what I am set out to do.

The thing is, I am getting used to this city. To the culture. And I don’t know if I should go home or stay here. For good. I kept thinking about my family. My best friends. The food. But if I go home, I will never be able to come back to the states. The opportunities are greater here, we have bigger spending power. I will have nicer cars, nicer house. I will be able to buy nicer stuffs. They appreciate me more. There are a lot of fundings.

It was easy a back then. Mom was always waiting for me. I should just finish everything in three years and go back home. Home is where your mom is. Now mom is no longer there – where’s my home? It was easy when I was still in love with him. All I know that I need to finish as soon as possible and get back home to his loving arms. But things changed, people change.

I don’t know. I no longer know what I want after my mom passed away. It seems as if I am drifting away in this huge lonely world. All by myself.

“Why did you came back? Didn’t you like the states?”

“It is better for my religion.”

That was Dewi’s answer.

As for me? I am still clueless.